*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
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My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.