My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
You Might Also Like
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
oppen heimer style lol
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.