Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
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the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis