waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
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[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Well, shit
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time