Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
If you know, you know
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.