It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
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Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Best spoiler warning ever
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.