I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
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put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
nature’s most graceful animal
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
an octopus is just a wet spider
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.