[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.