[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Strange
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
he was correct
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.