I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
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announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Oh the world we live in…
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes