BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.