Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
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friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I love the National Park Service.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
why I oughta
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.