When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
my retirement plan is braless
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
secret recipe
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
what day is it?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP