in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
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I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
happy friday
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂