Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
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No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Can’t. Being lazy.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
@ candidates for local office
repaired
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3