Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.