[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
incredible book dedication
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
jesus christ confetti not now
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.