The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
You Might Also Like
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
When you’re here for the treats.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
#Caturday
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life