I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
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I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”