Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
An odd boast
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.