When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.