Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.