Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
You Might Also Like
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I identify as an antique shop.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
What number SPF blocks people?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside