I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
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if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE