3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
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*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is