Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better