I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Oh deer
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.