5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
(True)
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.