Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us