When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
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My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs