My relationship with tea has always been strained.
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Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
me hitting on a model
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is