My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.