“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
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please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*