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me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Its true…
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.