I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.