Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
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I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab