me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
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5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
me hooking up with my ex
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.