Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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Super Hand Dog Face
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Day 2 of my diet
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.