FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me buying fruit and veg
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”