I think the cat got the dog high.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
White Castle for the Win
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.