I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.