It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
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Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?