marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
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Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.