Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
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My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
My dad.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry