[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
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Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Bruh PLEASE
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
When your parents check you’re ok.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.