My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.