We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
You Might Also Like
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.