There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
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When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..