I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one