Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
*launders Kohls cash*
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”